Tuesday, July 21, 2009

A Letter to Anonymous

"ew..i hope this happens to your unborn child as well" - Anonymous

This was a comment left by one "Anonymous" regarding my recent Pig Roast 2009 post. I let that one marinate for awhile, wondering whether or not I should ignore it, delete it or if/how I should respond to it. I was actually surprised that it was the first time a militant (if a bit chromosomally-affluent) vegetarian has left a comment for me. A few of you have either emailed me about it or replied to it in the comments section. Thanks for the support and kind words, but I've decided to go ahead and respond.

Dear Anonymous (if that's even your real name),

Nice chickenshit comment. Did it take you all day to think of that? You are a true wordsmith. I also love your cummingsian refusal to capitalize any letters in your sentence. Nice touch. Artsy.

Okay, first of all (this really gets my goat), it's not an unborn child, it's called a fetus. Say it: fee-tuss. A child cannot, by definition, be unborn. That's your biology and semantics lesson of the day. Besides, my fetus doesn't even have enough meat on him to fill a baguette, and would be a complete waste of fuel to try to barbecue. That fuel comes from trees and produces smoke which is bad for air quality. Try to think about the environment, m'kay?

Something like 95% of the world's population eats meat (probably more). In much of the developing world, meat consumption is only limited by economics (i.e., more people in the world would eat meat if they could afford to). Vegetarianism is a fine dietary choice for many reasons, but it's extremely ignorant and narrow-minded of you to suggest that every culture in the world that ingests animal protein is ethically wrong. Seriously, who the fuck are you? It reminds me a lot of how Christian missionaries coerced indigenous people into abandoning their culture and history by using fear and violence. You're no better than those people. Here's a tip, though: learning to accept that the world is a big, crazy place full of different types of people that you can't and shouldn't even want to change is the first step to growing as a human.

Actually, it's interesting to me that you've targeted my blog, of all blogs. Ever hear of Tony Bourdain, dumbshit? Is it easier for you to see meat when it's in a square or patty form? Is that a little easier for your delicate constitution to take? My blog is not the only omnivorous food blog out there, but it's pretty clear to me that you've never read it before. If you had, you'd know a few things about me, such as:

  • This is not the first pig roast I've had. Last year, we roasted a 100lb sow that we named Laura Palmer. She fed 50+ people, plus leftovers. She was, like this year's pigs, raised sustainably, slaughtered as humanely as possible and treated with the utmost respect in death by being prepared with love and great care. True, buying and preparing meat en carcasse is not for the faint of heart - it forces you to come to terms with the fact that you're eating an animal, not a tidily-packaged piece of protein. I'm fairly certain that if everyone had to buy meat this way, there'd be a lot more vegetarians in the world, at least in developed nations. Of course, there are plenty of vegetarians who, in something of a contradiction with their ethical choices, eat bizarre animal-like meat-substitute vegetable proteins (Tofurkey, Boca Burgers and "Chik Nuggets" come to mind) that are more processed than Velveeta and contain as many ingredients. At least I'm not in denial about what I eat.

  • Your whole life is a phase I went through in high school. I became an animal rights activist when I was 15 (card carrying ALF and PETA member), and I was a vegetarian for ten years (though I craved meat the entire time). But instead of tossing lame comments from behind a shroud of internet anonymity, I actually did real animal rights shit like superglue and mace the doorknob of a local taxidermist and protest the circus by handing pamphlets that showed tortured elephants to children. Your technique is perhaps a bit more subtle, granted, but I'm still pretty sure I was a better animal rights activist than you'll ever be.

  • I don't take bullshit from pussy internet fucktards like yourself, not even when I'm awash in the nurturing glow of maternity. This one is so obvious to everyone (I mean everyone) who knows me (on the internet and in real life) that it's almost cute that you didn't know.
To close, a quote from Patton Oswalt: "I enjoy steak too much because I hate hippies so much."

Enjoy life at the bottom of the food chain, you fucking shitweasel.

Love, Heather



80 comments:

glamah16 said...

Thats my girl! I love the analogy between the missionaries imposing theri way on people.People need to stay out each other diets, wombs, beliefs, amd politics.

Judy@nofearentertaining said...

Hahahaha! I love you Heather! This post made my day...hell my week and month probably!!!

Marc @ NoRecipes said...

Well put! I had a similar comment on a post I did on rabbit once. The irony was the poster didn't even sound vegetarian, just reacting to the cute fuzzy bunny factor.

Intolerance is worse than killing babies.

matt said...

Perfect, just incredibly perfect.

Brooke said...

Hear, hear. Well said. I hate little shitbirds who try to tell other people how to live their lives. Anonymous is probably a closet puppy-puncher.

You totally kicked his/her ass with LOGIC. Nice.

Syd said...

Now, *that* was a fun read.

I'd give anything for "Anonymous" to come back and reveal himself. Cocksucker.

joe fusion said...

Oy, jeez. How very dumb. ("chromosomally affluent," he he he.)

Maybe it wasn't even about vegetarianism... maybe this person just hates -- fears -- the potential in your offspring. You might want to check Nostradamus for any applicable prophecies.

The Spiteful Chef said...

You sexy genius, you! Chromosomally-affluent is the most amazing turn of phrase I've ever read, and your vegetarian nutjob is probably sitting down, hungry and cranky, wishing he or she knew what it was. Somehow, I feel like it's a she.

Maggie said...

"Your whole life is a phase I went through in high school."

That is my favorite line of anything I've read this week.

Peter M said...

Un f-ing believable. I know this must have rattled you - it would have rattled you but your rebuttal is true and just.

Boy, do I hate spineless people.

Lo said...

Wablo!

Cuz yeah, I rely on things like word verification to put words in my mouth. But, at least I admit it. And put my name on it :)

fenavo said...

Way to go!

-Michael

Jen Yu said...

Oh, you go woman!! I don't even let f'ers like that get a pixel on my comments section, but I rather love how you dealt with it. More power to you. I have Peter to thank for sending me here and I have you to thank for keeping me here. I *heart* a woman who speaks her mind and doesn't take flack from anyone. New fan!

Nathan Crook said...

KUDOS to you, Heather...anyone who hides behind anonymity and fires pot-shots in the dark deserves to be bitch-slapped like the pansy ass they are. Thanks to this post—I’m thinking I’ll roast a whole-fuckin’ pig!

NC

Alfred said...

You are awesome! What a pleasure to read you. I will be coming back for more and more of your sweetness.

Choosy Beggar TIna said...

Very well put. What I really appreciated (even more than the applicability of the word 'fucktard') was your mention of the animal you chose - sustainably raised local animal with humane slaughter. The care you took in choosing your animal is certainly more than most people would, and I applaud you for that cognisance.

I was also a vegetarian for about 7 years....and I CONSTANTLY craved bacon. Now I'm back to being omnivorous....and I still constantly crave bacon.

Emily said...

Yessss! I loved this!

Soma said...

This is my first time visiting you ! & I am glad I came & wish I was even a bit like you to be to capable to kick back.. Oh how I wish!

I am not a vegetarian, but respect the vegetarians except the crappy ones who are scared to even reveal themselves if they need to speak.

Soma(www.ecurry.com)

mariescafe said...

New to your blog and came over here from Bare Foot Foodie who linked your post on twitter.

I just wanted to say that is an AWESOME letter! Anonymous commentators are always too chickenshit to say who they really are anyway and make crap comments like this person did on your other post.

Mediterranean kiwi said...

well put
i might add that she (i bet it's a woman - men aren't as sensitive to this sort of thing as wimpy whiny females) hasn't been to greece on holiday to see how we treat animal carcasses (my children just love this kind of display):
http://organicallycooked.blogspot.com/2009/04/spring-lamb.html

Courtstelo said...

Beautiful! Poetic! Crude! Awesome!

And this anonymous person deserves everything you can throw at him/her. Anyone who thinks that an appropriate response to an illustration of a lifestyle different from their own, no matter how repulsive it seems, is "I hope someone roasts and eats your baby" is evil anyway.

Jennifer said...

That was amazing. "your whole life was a phase I went through in high school" HA! I could read that all day and not get sick of it.

Ulee said...

AMEN.

JennDZ - The Leftover Queen said...

I agree with glamah - people should stay out of each others diets, wombs, beliefs and politics. Too often though diets become religious, and that is when we become intolerant of other people's choices.

Seriously, I respect people's decisions to be veggie - like you I was for 10 years too. But at least if you are going to be rude to someone in their own home (and a blog is like a bit of our home) you might at least have the guts to stand up for what you believe without hiding behind the anonymous thing.

Anne said...

I'm so glad I wasn't drinking anything while reading this - I really need to preserve my laptop's functionality.

What do these ignorants crawl out from under? Oh, yeah - probably compost. Except - the microorganisms that help along our compost are more beneficial.

I'm so very glad you chose NOT to ignore it! I needed a chuckle today, thanks.

Peter G said...

I think they chose the wrong person to have a go at! Well said Heather...as Judy said, this made my day!

maybelle's mom said...

It was a TERRIBLE comment that coward left. Exactly as you said, if you are planning to make value judgements, have the balls to admit who your are. Luckily as you point out, he had no particular reason involved in his judgement--so you are free from having to value him at all.

And as a fellow preggo, what a stupid, hurtful thing to say about your child. Shock is one of those ploys that intolerant but idiotic people rely on. We have a vegetarian friend who kept telling us killing chickens for meat is just like the Holocaust. You know when you go that far and use absolutely no reasoning, you totally use your argument.

On a different note, hope the pregnancy is humming along.

Nicebroom said...

I wanna be just like you when I grow up.

Most of the meat that I eat is hunted, trapped, or line-caught by my Wild Man (i.e. ball-and-chain) who laughs with me at the thought that "eating animals is not natural." Tell that to the lions.

Alice Q. Foodie said...

Holy Shemoly I love this! Best response to a chicken-shitty comment EVER.

The Duo Dishes said...

*fist pumps* Give it to 'em. Folks don't know how to just keep things to themselves!

April in CT said...

Shitweasel! LOL

Rick said...

That was so worth waiting for! I am totally stealing "chromosomally affluent" by the way. I am hoping to roast a pig this fall as well. Even if we weren't planning it I would roast one out of support alone. Well that and the sweet sweet taste of pork.
Mmmmm. Pork.

J.Danger said...

OH.MY.GAWD.

I cannot believe that I did not see this comment when I read your pig roast post.

What a freaking horrible person!!!!

How could someone even SAY THAT?!

Oh my god. I am seriously angered now.

But your response? EFFING CLASSIC!

[eatingclub] vancouver || js said...

Don't you just love these anonymous posters? Very low blow indeed: you'd think that that heaping bowl of moral superiority'o's he or she ingests every morning would have made him or her re-think the comment.

Manggy said...

Oh Heather, I didn't see this comment (it must've been later on along the list). I'm sorry you had to be forced to deal with this fucktard. Just makes me realize there's a ton of stupid people out there (don't get me wrong, I do encounter stupid people in my life, just not this brazenly and proudly (? anonymous) ignorant). I hope you can exhale now-- stress is the last thing you need right now!

Madeleine said...

This is the first time I've read your blog, and I've gotta say, that was fantastic. I really liked your response to Anonymous and your recipes look awesome too. Nice job all around!

The Grub Club said...

Great response! People are very stupid and cruel, and that comment was way over the line.

BTW,I never comment, but I love your blog, your recipes, and your humor!

Leigh said...

Jesus Christ. Really. I'm surprised you even gave this one a second's thought tbh. Well done.

Big Right Toe said...

I'm in love...

mama_nata said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Foodycat said...

Very nicely expressed. I can understand being a passionate vegetarian (although I have come to the conclusion that if you were that passionate you'd be vegan), but to express it as violence to a baby? That is crazy talk. As is taking offence just because that piece of meat had a face - what about the poor widdle chicken fillets?

marymac said...

LOVE IT- just wrote a post today on the Skinny Bitch phenom and then saw Barefoot Foodie had your link. NICE!

Jen of A2eatwrite said...

I would echo Glamah as well, as I would on many subjects.

This post rocked, Heather.

I'm sorry you were exposed to his/her garbage.

And, um, glad to your promotion as the head of all things meat, as Anonymous's targeting of your blog seems to indicate.

Heather said...

Thanks, everyone! Man, it sure feels good to rant. I would've done it sooner, but I was on vacation when the anon comment hit my inbox. Typing all of that on an iPhone would've really sucked.

LC said...

Clearly I've missed tons of action during my several weeks of semi-offgridness. The pig roast looks dynamite. And never mind the nut jobs--they take up too much space already.

tons of land said...

well played... well played, mama.

Christina Keffer said...

Amazing post, though I'm sorry you had to deal with such ignorant abuse. I think you handled it quite well.

By the way, I've called three people shitweasels since I read it. I've never heard that particular term used before.

Please post more delicious meat morsels for me to salivate over and try unsuccessfuly to make for myself!

Tokyoastrogirl said...

What an f'in loser! He/she/it is probably bitter from a lack of pork fat in their bellies.

My favorite post yet!!!!!!!!

cookiecrumb said...

Not mean enough. This fucktard wishes death to your fetus! I'd be a lot madder.

Violet Nuit said...

Well said. I only meat occasionally and when I do I make sure its local. I won't eat commercially processed meat and I don't need to explain why, that's just obvious. However, as much as your response kicked ass, I would probably have ignored Anonymous because you aren't going to teach him a lesson any more than he will teach you one. But revenge still feels good.

Melanie said...

Heather, I love your blog. I admire you and cheer you on in every way. Congrats to you and Scott !
oh,the 'SHITWEASAL' is just jealous. I've come across these morons before. I was a vegan and macrobiotic chef for many years.
Puh-lease. These people are so fucking judgemental. They're the worst.
Peace and Love, my fat ass.
Rock On, awesome Mama !!!!!

Melissa said...

LOL! I always thought "turn the other cheek" was a load of shit. I enjoyed your rant very much.

Christine said...

Jeez, I didn't even see that last comment. But f'reals? As a former vegetarian myself, pass the pork. Yours looked particularly delcious.

burpandslurp said...

Hear, hear! You go, Heather! Well said, and you're amazing! Down to haters and ignorant shitheads!

them apples said...

"pussy internet fucktards"

"you fucking shitweasel"

...just two of my favourite lines, there. Poetry.

Bravo. Well said.

kyouell said...

I want to echo the many others and say "Amen" and "Sock it to 'em!" Damn.

You cuss on your blog the way my Marine cousin does in real life... wish I had the guts to let that stuff fly in my blog. ;-) It's one of the reasons I enjoy reading you.

I'm glad you didn't let the anonymouse (intentional typo) comment go or just delete it. I saw the first line of the post in my reader and *my* mama bear dander was up. There's no reason to not start flexing those muscles now, just because your kid isn't born yet.

Jude said...

What a jerkmonkey. That shitweasel needs a backhand slap across the face.

Hunter Angler Gardener Cook said...

Well, played Miss Heather.

Incidentally, vegetarians amount to about 2 percent of the US population, according to a recent Vegetarian Times article. Vegans are about 0.6 percent of the population, if I remember correctly.

Nice pig roast, BTW. Did you fight over the head meat?

Peter Martin said...

I have just discovered your blog, and what a discovery I've made, it seems! I look forward to checking out some of your older posts. Just remind me not to piss you off!

Zen Chef said...

You are AWESOME!! LOL. .. wow.
I want YOU as my english teacher... and as my bodyguard too. hehe.

Jenny said...

I cannot stop cracking up.

"your whole life is a phase I went through in high school"

made my day. Words to live by . Love your blog. This post reminded me why I keep coming back !

Irish Gumbo said...

I stumbled across your blog because I was writing a post for my own involving butter noodles, and when I Googled images of them yours was a returned result for the Swedish meatballs and buttered noodles.

So I read your latest post, too.

Buttered noodles and a brand-new insult: 'shitweasel'. All in all, a productive night.

You go, girl!

Peace,
Irish Gumbo

racheleats said...

When I'd just started blogging (which isn't so long ago) I got some damn mean, slightly menacing and frankly weird comments when I posted about cooking rabbit. Wish I'd seen this post before, which I know is impossible given that you've just written it but you get the idea I hope.
This post Made my morning really

kelly said...

I can't believe someone said that shit! Amazing reply to their comment. I would have been so unbelievably pissed if someone had done that to me. I have to reiterate what others have commented... "Your whole life is a phase I went through in high school" made my day!

Cookerguy said...

Heather-

Next time fit "dickwad" in or I'll never read you again!!

aforkfulofspaghetti said...

Ha. Funny how 'Anonymous' hasn't responded.

Heather, 1 - Shitweasel, 0.

We Are Never Full said...

FUCK YEAH FUCK YEAH FUCK YEAH. although i wouldn't have like to have known your blog when you were a veggie 10 years ago! lol..

this is a great rebuttal. what an asshole. i'm sure she/he/it stands in front of abortion clinics with similar ideas. what a fucking loser. sometimes i can't believe i coexist in the same country as that fucktard.

yeah, similar to marc, rabbit posts gets the veggies/vegans panties in a bunch for some reason. it's a fucking animal that most cultures eat - get the fuck over it. you don't need to eat it. it tastes fucking good. and who are you to say that a rabbit is any cuter than pig? i eat both and think they are both cute. fuck you.

anyways, you were much kinder than i would've been. i hope that anemic loser reads it.

Foodycat said...

I can't use shitweasel as a term of abuse - I call my husband Weazel as a term of endearment! Ferret-fucking snake-fellator I do use.

Ken Albala said...

WOW! You tell this shit!

Dana Sadowitz said...

that was awesome. keep being the best ever!
love, dana :)

peter said...

I'm going to find the cutest, fuzziest animal I can and eat it for dinner.

My captch is "reeker." See? God is on our side. Fucking militant hippie douchebag coward motherFUCKER.

Traci said...

Oh man Heather. I can't believe someone said that. I know that had to have gotten to you. Even if it WAS made by a total douche.

I'm glad you got to respond though, and, you did a pretty good job I'd say!

I see these comments more and more on food blogs these days. They're always anonymous of course. Typical of the Internet these days. Big mouth = No balls.

Norm Schoen said...

Awesome post-you really are my hero-
Let me know if I need to put my boot up someone's ass for you (I think that is an Idaho colloquialism).
A friend of mine when asked about Fois Gras said she ate it "Because, geese are mean and Fois Gras tastes great"!

kinni said...

Had this not been the first thing I read on this blog, I may have surfed away and forgotten about you. As it stands, I will cherish your words and check back for more often. Just in case the fucktard is reading this-- I raise and slaughter my own poultry, and I love every one of them!

Paige said...

Amen! Read the attached blog post from my vegetarian friend who works with Anthony Bourdain - This is from his blog:
http://no-reservations-crew-blog.travelchannel.com/read/i-ham-who-i-ham

Geia said...

Good for you!! What a great reply to a mean-spirited comment left by the anonymous moron.

very culinary said...

Heather, I have just had the fortune to discover your blog...better late than never. I always love a tasty controversy.

I was a vegetarian (well, fishetarian really) for about 10 years, but my love of bacon sucked me back in. In all those years, though, I NEVER preached or even volunteered the information, in respect for other people's choices.

I once had an annoying Sunday visitor (at 6am no less) come knocking, trying to explain how important God is...blah, blah, blah. I asked him to wait a minute - I returned with my copy of The Poseidon Adventure and started reading some excerpts from it. (Hey, I thought we were exchanging stories of fiction.) He kindly turned away and left.

Some idiots need to convert others so their own beliefs can be validated. Strength in numbers, right?

Anyway, loved your response. Read a few of your other posts and you're a gem.

Recess said...

You tell em! What kind of weirdo would suggest you roast your "unborn child" as a punishment for your eating meat. So is that like pro-lifers who shoot doctors? I am sure that kind of logic makes sense to some.

You know I am a vegetarian cum meat eater during pregnancy who cries about killing spiders and will be back to plant based foods as soon as I can, but - um - I learned a long time ago that show don't tell works the best int he good example department. If vegetarianism is the way to go then maybe anon could start a kickass veggie food blog?

D. said...

Holy shit... you are AWESOME! Incredible photos and an ever-so-subtle no-nonsense attitude. I think I'm in love... er, uh, with the pig, of course ;)

We tend to regard the roasted pig (cochon de lait) with great reverence down here in SE Louisiana... here's to future roastings & colorful postings!

Daniel said...

I miss living in the same city Heather, as much fun as it is to read your response to a shitty vegan,(who probably works for OSPIRG, I hate those kids)it is far better to hear you talk to people like that in person!