Thursday, May 19, 2005

Adventures in Catassery


So, Scott's cat has decided to revisit the whole "shitting all over the house" thing. Yesterday he not only shit on the carpet, but pissed on the blanket that was on the couch. So half a bottle of Kids 'N Pets later, our $1000 couch that we've had for all of 6 months is now full of catass. Every day I come home from work, dreading what I may find. The last coupla times he actually waited until I was home, and then let it rip when I went to the kitchen. For fuck's sake, I just quit smoking three days ago. I got one good nerve left, and that little fucker is on it.

The first time we caught him doing this was back in November. We tried to give him kitty Paxil, which had worked on my cat the couple of times he sprayed. We were successful at getting the shit in his mouth once, but you've never seen a more pissed-off beast. He just sat under the dining room table glaring at us, letting the meds just drool out of his mouth into a puddle on the floor. Just to spite us. The next time I tried, the little fucker bit me. Like drawing blood, teeth marks all over my thumb and shit.

If we lock him in the basement, the other cats won't have access to the litter boxes. If we lock them all in the basement, that'd be kinda cruel and unfair, and mayhem would certainly ensue. If we try to put him in the bathroom or the mudroom, we'll come home to find all the shelves ripped down, the house plants knocked over, with the soil all shat in and the leaves all chewed up, and a rabid Caesar gone all feral and shit. On second thought, maybe that's not such a bad idea. (no, I'm not actually contemplating exposing my boyfriend's cat to toxic houseplants, but it's tempting)

Seriously, this fucker is bat-shit insane. We tried to let him play on the front porch last weekend, and everything was all cool for like, 15 minutes (which was a goddamned miracle). Then SOMETHING happened. Maybe it was a bird chirping. Maybe it was the wind. Or maybe a piece of dandelion fluff landed near him. But all of a sudden, the little retard does this backflip into the screen door and crashed. I thought he was just gonna plow right through it.

He's a cute, crazy and entertaining little bastard, but I really wish he'd stop shitting in my house. I'm at my wit's end. No one who's trying to quit smoking should hafta deal with this. It's hard enough to resist the urge to strangle a human with my bare hands, let alone a cat.

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