Monday, May 23, 2005

Weight Gain Battle

So, I've decided to start using speed. In other words, I've started upping my caffeine intake to battle the weight gain usually inevitable in smoking cessation. I'm drinking a can of Rockstar(TM) Energy Cola, which, in addition to extra caffeine, is loaded with all those herbal uppers. I'm all afidget and kinda twitchy, which better suits my personality than being all slow and sleepy, as the past week has been.

Unfortunately, ephedra is no longer legal in dietary supplements (you can always leave it up to some whiny cunt with a heart condition to go bitching to the FDA and ruin it for everybody), but I can still get it in bulk herb form at the hippie grocery store, I think. If not, maybe I'll just fucking drive to eastern Oregon and pick some. Benefit of being a botanist, I know how to identify all those lovely plants that get you high.

I was never one of those little bitches who obsesses over her weight. I was a very skinny kid and didn't even start growing tits 'til I was 18. I had a friend with an eating disorder in high school. She idealized my body as what she was striving for as she ate her half package of Nutter Butters, washed down with a bottle of ipecac. She landed herself in the hospital a couple of times, for attempted suicide I think. She started using smack to keep her weight down, and died of a self-inflicted overdose at age 17.

I didn't even start keeping track of my weight until a few years ago, when I noticed that a lifetime of being the skinny kid who out-ate her entire family was catching up with an aging metabolism. It had taken me ten years to put on the 30 pounds that started to show on my frame. It took only one month to lose it last spring, when the boyfriend of four years suddenly dumped me. When I found myself, all of a sudden, at my prime, teenaged weight, I started really paying attention to my body, because everyone else was.

Some of my friends said they were worried, but I think they were just shocked at how quickly I lost that much weight (my coworkers, who saw me every day, even noticed). I put 5 pounds back on at the end of the summer, and called it good. A little more than a year later, I've kept the weight off and goddamit, I intend to keep it that way. I weigh 135, give or take 1 or 2 pounds, depending on the time of day. Not bad on a 5'7" frame with a propensity for building muscle.

I will start exercising, and probably counting calories a little. I will try not to annoy Scott with this new obsession. Being a control freak at heart, I think it might help me a little when I'm battling cravings that I can't abate if I buckle down and focus on keeping this ball in my court. I'm eating turkey jerky and sugar-free gum for lunch today.

* * *

When I get home I will take a shot of vodka from the freezer and mow the lawn. Then I will consider making a very healthy dinner, but will ultimately decide on chili-cheese dogs with tater tots and mac 'n chee, or some other culinary delight. I will consume one TrimSpa fat-blocking pill before eating, take some vitamins after eating, then pace around the kitchen for an hour thinking about having a snack. I'll probably eat two or three spicy garlic dills, having recently discovered that pickles have only 5 calories and no fat. Then I'll either geek out with Scott or lay on the couch and watch VH-1 until I forget about how much I want to smoke.


Scott said...

I'm struggling quite a bit myself today :/

Hethz said...

Hang in there, sweetheart. There'll be plenty of face to suck when you get home tonight. That certainly helps me. ;*

angeloine said...

does this mean that when we come to see you next month, you won't cook your yummy crepe purses stuffed with smoked salmon and creme fraiche? or goat cheese and figs?:(

Hethz said...

Hell no, mademoiselle! Scott and I are smoking again and the diet is unnecessary. I will make you hell of good eats.

angeloine said...

too bad you're smoking again (so much frustration for nothing!)but you know you never needed any diet anyway!
(by the way, what an intersting theory, about my weight, I mean! But how come that most of my friends are lesbian and skinny? maybe mutants...)

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