Sunday, February 17, 2008

Heart Attack on a Plate


You ever wake up and feel like "fuck a bowl of oatmeal"? You ever want something so fattening, so boorish, so wrong that you're just like "Fuck it, I'll hafta run 5 miles to keep this off my ass but right now I'm going for it!" and then you let out a battle cry and race to the kitchen? Yeah, I thought so. Luckily, you're in good company.

For the young of artery, I present to you:

The Breakfast Burger
Yes, I am a serious as a fucking heart attack. (knock on wood)

Fry up a coupla strips of bacon. Then take a 1/4 lb of ground pork and smash it into a patty. Salt and pepper on both sides, and fry in the bacon fat. Throw some sliced onions and mushrooms in the pan with the pork and bacon fat. Meanwhile, fry an egg over easy. Toast a hamburger bun, and place the patty down, top with some sharp cheddar (Swiss would be great, too), then the bacon, then the mushrooms/onions, then the fried egg and give a crack of pepper and a dribble of hot sauce.



Look at the money shot! The drippy yolks are gravy. Serve with fried potatoes. Also, if you're eating breakfast after 12:00 noon, you can have a beer with this and it does not make you an alcoholic. I washed this beast down with an ice-cold Spaten.

31 comments:

glamah16 said...

Im seeing a lot of good breakfast psots lately. Thats downright tasty !

Peter G said...

Whoah! Thank goodness I have health insurance. Thats a mean burger Heather...dripping with bacon fat goodness...delicious.

Zen Chef said...

hahaha...that's brutal!
I hope your life insurance broker is not reading your blog. Breakfast with beer...why didn't i think of that? Genius! :-)

Elly said...

damn, that looks really good. and i am always glad to see the words "bacon fat" more than once in a post.

Jen of A2eatwrite said...

I think you needed to throw some chocolate in this too, just because...

Heather said...

Coco - breakfast is the most imprtant meal of the day!

Peter - this the first time I ever used straight-up ground pork for a burger, and all I can say is "mama likey."

Monsieur Zen - I'm fit as a fiddle! Now that I don't smoke anymore, I figure I can put any other terrible shit in my body that I want.

Elly - Well, hello thar! Isn't bacon fat dreamy?

Jen - you're totally right. I totally shoulda made a chocolate shake for this burger. Oh, man!

Peter M said...

OH NO YOU JUST DIDN'T POST THIS DISH, DID YOU?

Heather, this brekkie burger is enough to create a 8th sin...ultra-decadent, care-free, who cares but it tastes good sin!

Good choice in beer, I've had Spaten in Europe.

PS. have a peek at my pork (the sandwich you drrty lil' gurl).

Heather said...

Aw Petey, you made a pork sammich? I have a tenderloin in my fridge that I'm thinking of making tonight. When did pork make such a big comeback?

Judy @ No Fear Entertaining said...

Oh yummm! I just got some fresh duck eggs and was wondering what to do with them...problem solved. I also have some peameal bacon that will do great in this!!!

tammy said...

Wow. My heart just stopped a little.

Okay, there it goes again.

Emiline said...

I have those mornings too. Well, more like afternoons, since I don't actually wake up in the early morning.

This looks really good. I wouldn't worry about it not being healthy. I mean, think about the love and time you put into this burger. You could have just microwaved a Hot Pocket or something. And Hot Pockets are chockful of preservatives and your burger was not. Just sayin.
I don't know where I'm going with this.

Toni said...

I think Micky D is trembling in his corporate boots about now! You've positively outdone him with this one! Besides, I don't think you can get beer under those golden arches!

Great post! But I'm with Jen - I hope you had some chocolate for dessert!

aforkfulofspaghetti said...

That's my girl ;)

You'd do well at London's greasy spoons...

Núria said...

I'm laughing my ass off!!! Would that expresion be in tune with your blog?
Ha,ha, ha, ha... so funny! Glorious post :D
I think that my arteries are still wide enough to have one of this... with a fresh beer too!!!

Here we say that alcohol before noon shows that you are an alcoholic... but after.... it's ok... cheers!

said...

Okay seriously? Damn you. This looks so incredible!!! Must have one NOW!

Syd said...

Fuck a bowl of oatmeal? hahaha

That breakfast sandwich looks like the SHIT!! Yummm.

JennDZ - The Leftover Queen said...

That looks absolutely divine, Heather! If I could have breakfast like this everyday, I'd probably eat it more often, but I am not sure that'd be such a good idea!

Heather said...

Judy - Fry those puppies up! Come to think of it, I've never eaten a duck egg. I might need to make a Fubonn run.

Tammy - Whew! I thought I was gonna have to go grab the EKG.

Em - You crack me up. You eat cookies and fairy sprinkles for breakfast, I just know it. Hot Pockets are hell of grody.

Toni - They have a burger very similar to this at the McDonald's in Tokyo. They call it a "Full Moon" burger. Those wacky Japanese!

Spaghetti - they have greasy spoons in London? Yeah, I guess I made a fry-up sandwich, didn't I? Only needs some fried tomato.

Núria - I'm glad that the Spanish have defined drinking times for us! Beer keeps the arteries clear and the heart happy. :)

Sara - You should totally make one of those things. Tweren't hard! And so worth it.

Syd - Does anyone even eat oatmeal because they like it?

Jenn - This is definitely a once-in-awhile indulgence. I would have the gout if I ate the way I really want to every day. :D

Anonymous said...

Everyone who knows me, knows that my boyfriend "Big Bear" weighs (or at least WEIGHED, before the scales broke) 437 pounds.

I am SICK and TIRED of him poking holes in the walls of my rented trailer house when he gets drunk and upset (which is every day).

So, I am going to feed him these breakfast burgers regularly. It's the only way I am EVER going to get any peace here in the Clearwater trailer park.

chiff0nade said...

I REALLY have trouble posting when I'm smokin'. The post above (and repeated below) is, of course, from chiff0nade in Clearwater, Florida. Sorry I messed up.
-----------------------------
Everyone who knows me, knows that my boyfriend "Big Bear" weighs (or at least WEIGHED, before the scales broke) 437 pounds.

I am SICK and TIRED of him poking holes in the walls of my rented trailer house when he gets drunk and upset (which is every day).

So, I am going to feed him these breakfast burgers regularly. It's the only way I am EVER going to get any peace here in the Clearwater trailer park.

Heather said...

...and today's "OMG, WTF" Award goes to....

I will not be complicit in gastronomic homicide. :D

kye said...

it's a shame you're married cause i think i just fell in love...haha i don't think i've ever seen a more appetizing breakfast, with a beer.

Lynn D. said...

I just made this with tempeh bacon, Morningstar soysages, onions, mushrooms, soy cheddar and panfried tofu. Served on a whole grain spelt bun with rutabaga fries, it was awesome! Thanks for the recipe, Heather.

Heather said...

Kye - Aw, shucks. :)

Lynn - Oh whoops, soysages contain sodium caseinate (what happens when you mix dairy protein with lye), and spelt contains gluten, so you lose. Better luck next time!

ZDAWG I MEAN CRUNK said...

stumbled across your foodblog from tastespotting. you are one of the few food blogs i've found to combine my two favorite things: humor and food. btw, that thing looks utterly disgusting, but delicious.

Nilmandra said...

OMG that looks heart-stoppingly greasy. Talk about going with a smile on your face :D Mmm... bacon...

KristiB said...

Ohhh boy I might have to plan for one of these!

peter said...

I wake up and say "Fuck a bowl of oatmeal" pretty much every day. Everyone needs a mantra, right?

You might also enjoy this, which is in much the same spirit:
quisimangiabene.blogspot.com/2007/10/bend-over-abigail-mae.html

Cheers.

peter said...

OK, one more, because if you haven't read it, it will make your day:
http://www.avclub.com/content/feature/a_v_club_taste_test_special_the

Heather said...

Thank you for that, man. Thank you.

kittie said...

Is it wrong that I'm now craving beer and breakfast in equal amounts??

Great blog - just found it!