Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Nice Matters

Or, Why Gluten-Free Vegans Bug the Shit Out of Me.

Gluten? The fuck?

Okay, here's the thing: if you have celiac disease and actually can't digest gluten, then that's one thing. That really fucking sucks for you, but you're getting by just fine eating a lot of Asian food and probably even eat meat. I know a few of you.

But if you are just a control freak who "recently discovered" you're allergic to gluten, just go fuck yourself. I'm sorry. Did you spend your whole life having explosive diarrhea every time you ate a piece of bread, and waited until you were in your 20s to get that looked at? Or did you just wake up one day and go, "Gee, I really wish I could eliminate one more thing from a diet that is so restrictive that it completely defies evolutionary biology. Let's see what my naturopath thinks!"

You'll never be a real chef, but enjoy eating your spelt and tofu doused in Bragg's Liquid Aminos and brewer's yeast and pretend that the French aren't laughing their asses off at you.

Okay, people who don't know me: don't fly off the handle about this post. This is my Louis Black-style humor. Seriously, don't be a twat.

16 comments:

Peter M said...

I'm floored....I fell off my chair! lol

Heather, I think you should consider a career in diplomacy.;)

Heather said...

Damn, you're fast. Haha glad you approve! I kinda can't wait for the shitstorm, but I suspect I'm in good company on this.

Jen of A2eatwrite said...

I don't know what cracked me up more - your post or Peter M's response to it.

glamah16 said...

Imagine me smirking.

Lunch Buckets said...

I'll throw in an eye roll or two.

Peter G said...

ROFL!!!!...What a speech! That was too funny as always Heather!

Peter M said...

Would be appropriate, at this time, to ask for another dinner roll, please? ;)

Heather said...

I chose to post this on my blog instead of in the place the thing to which I'm responding is located, because I'm so fucking nice. This is why I am nominated for a Niceness award, right?

Thanks, everyone, for playing along.

Peter, you may only have another dinner roll if you're going to put steak and cheese on it.

Zen Chef said...

hahahahaha!! Damn that was funny!! Lol! That had to be said and i'm glad you did!
I'm one of the french laughing my ass off at people like that. I'm going to make myself a sandwich on a baguette with plenty of butter and cold cuts in it to celebrate. :-)

Emiline said...

Damn diabetic, low-sodium, gluten-free vegans!

Judy @ No Fear Entertaining said...

Once again you have me ROFLMAO!

Ben said...

LMAO! These have been the best 3 minutes of my day!!!! Somebody had to tell them what we food lovers think about them and you did a great job. Now I nominate you as our foodie ambassador. Let's vote on it!!! LOL

Núria said...

I just knew you would not upload that ribboned Award in your blog!!! And there you are finding excuses instead of the straight truth ;-)

Ok, here it is an encoded secret message for you:
Have a
Alt(102+117+99+107+105+110+103)Great Valentine's day!

Heather said...

Gasp! Núria! I hope you have a Alt(102+117+99+107+105+110+103) wonderful Valentine's Day! :D

A vegan foodie is an oxymoron. It's like someone saying they love women but only date anorexics.

JennDZ - The Leftover Queen said...

Well Heather, there is a lot to be said here, and you have rather summed it up. Having worked in the Holistic Health frield for quite some time, I did observe many people who derived pleasure out of restricting their diets - it was like an OCD kind of obsession.

However, this is where I diverge a little - for people who are eating a certan diet - be it local, or be it for the environment or be for spiritual reasons or as a test of wills so to speak, I do find it interesting what kinds if things people come up with.

Also Celiacs can come on at any point in life, as with all allergies.

But I must admit to a chuckle. :)

JoAnn said...

I'm lmao and I'm not even French! LOL! People get pleasure from dietary restriction? I never would have thought of that before my enlightenment here today!